God ironically kills married couple; "I work in mysterious ways" says deity

Husband's coffin kills woman on way to cemetery SAO PAULO, Brazil –

Police say a woman has died on the way to a cemetery when a traffic accident hurled her husband's coffin against the back of her neck. Police said 67-year old Marciana Silva Barcelos was in the front passenger seat of the hearse when the accident occurred Monday in the southern state of Rio Grande do Sul.

Barcelos died instantly.

Her 76-year-old husband Josi Silveira Coimbra died Sunday of a heart attack while dancing at a party.

The driver of hearse and Barcelos' son suffered minor injuries.

Sir Cliff Richard reveals identity of his male companion

Legendary pop singer Sir Cliff Richard has revealed that he has shared his life with a former Roman Catholic priest for the last seven years.

Sir Cliff, 67, is one of the UK's best-known Christians, has been the victim of persistent rumours and innuendo about his sexuality.

In his autobiography My Life, My Way, published yesterday, the singer said he met Father John McElynn in 2001.

"He hadn't any thought at the beginning of giving up the priesthood, but when it became clear he was thinking of the possibility, I suggested he might help me with some charitable projects," he wrote.

"That was seven years ago and our arrangement has worked out really well. John now spends most of his time looking after my properties."

Sir Cliff said the former priest shares his home and has become a companion, and complained that he is dogged by questions about his sexual orientation.

"'I am sick to death of the media's speculation about it. What business is it of anyone else's what any of us are as individuals? I don't think my fans would care either way."

He has previously spoken of his support for civil partnerships.

Sir Cliff began his career in the 1950s and has scored UK number ones in every decade since.

His notoriously loyal fanbase has ensured his popularity well into his sixties - My Life, My Way is expected to be a bestseller.

Journalist Penny Junor helped him write the book, in which "Cliff is going to talk freely and frankly about what it is like to be Cliff."

He's got the whole world in his hands..

ROME - An art museum in northern Italy said Thursday it will continue displaying a sculpture portraying a green frog nailed to a cross that has angered Pope Benedict XVI and local officials.

The board of the foundation of the Museion in the city of Bolzano voted to keep the work by the late German artist Martin Kippenberger, the museum said in a statement.

Earlier in August the pope had written a letter to Franz Pahl, the president of the Trentino-Alto Adige region that includes Bolzano, denouncing the sculpture.

It "has offended the religious feelings of many people who consider the cross a symbol of God's love and of our redemption," Pahl quoted the pope as writing in the letter.

Pahl himself has long opposed the display of "Zuerst die Fuesse" ("First the Feet" in German), even staging a hunger strike this summer and saying he would not seek re-election unless it was removed.

In a telephone interview with The Associated Press on Thursday, Pahl said he was outraged by the museum's decision to keep the work, which he claims "pokes fun at the Catholic population and offends religion and the pope."

The 1990 wooden sculpture shows the crucified frog nailed through the feet and hands like Jesus Christ. The frog, eyes popping and tongue sticking out, wears a loincloth and holds a mug of beer and an egg in its hands.

The museum said the 3-foot (1-meter) -tall sculpture has nothing to do with religion, but is an ironic self-portrait of the artist and an expression of his angst.

"With humor and a tragicomic sense, which belongs to art since the times of Greek tragedy, Kippenberger ... faces his condition of suffering, which he expresses in many works, also, for example, in a video in which he crucifies himself," the museum said in a statement.

Born in Dortmund, Kippenberger moved from painting and sculpture to work in all mediums, often combining elements of Neo-expressionism, Pop and Dadaism. His art has been displayed across the world, including Zurich, Paris, Jerusalem, London and New York.

He died in 1997, aged 43.

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In this photo taken May 24, 2008 a view of a green frog nailed to a cross outside an office, during a protest inside the 'Museion' museum in Bolzano , northern Italy. Museum officials said Thursday Aug. 28, 2008 the sculpture that has angered Pope Benedict XVI and local officials will continue to be on display. The board of the foundation of the 'Museion', voted to keep the work by the late German artist Martin Kippenberger, the museum said in a statement. Earlier in August the pope had written a letter to Franz Pahl, the president of the Trentino-Alto Adige region that includes Bolzano, denouncing the sculpture. '(It) has offended the religious feelings of many people who consider the cross a symbol of God's love and of our redemption,' (AP Photo/Othmar Seehauser)

Holy Water viewed as terrorist threat

Thu Aug 28, 12:42 PM ET

VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - The Vatican has warned journalists who will travel with Pope Benedict to Lourdes next month not to put the revered water from the shrine in their hand luggage on the papal plane or it may be confiscated.


The pope will travel Sept 12-15 to Paris and the site in southern France where the Madonna is said to have appeared to a peasant girl, Bernadette Soubirous, 150 years ago.

The millions of pilgrims who visit the shrine each year drink from its fonts, many believing its water to be potentially miraculous and healing. Most take bottles of it away with them.

"In order to avoid their confiscation during security controls at the airport, Air France recommends putting any bottles of Lourdes water in baggage what will go into the hold of the plane," a Vatican advisory to reporters said.

While the water from Lourdes is not strictly considered "holy" -- holy water is found in churches and must be blessed by a priest -- many websites about Lourdes describe it as "holy."

Security measures limiting liquids allowed in carry-on baggage have been in effect since 2006 when a plot to bring down planes with liquid explosives was discovered.

Thu Aug 28, 12:42 PM ET

VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - The Vatican has warned journalists who will travel with Pope Benedict to Lourdes next month not to put the revered water from the shrine in their hand luggage on the papal plane or it may be confiscated.


The pope will travel Sept 12-15 to Paris and the site in southern France where the Madonna is said to have appeared to a peasant girl, Bernadette Soubirous, 150 years ago.

The millions of pilgrims who visit the shrine each year drink from its fonts, many believing its water to be potentially miraculous and healing. Most take bottles of it away with them.

"In order to avoid their confiscation during security controls at the airport, Air France recommends putting any bottles of Lourdes water in baggage what will go into the hold of the plane," a Vatican advisory to reporters said.

While the water from Lourdes is not strictly considered "holy" -- holy water is found in churches and must be blessed by a priest -- many websites about Lourdes describe it as "holy."

Security measures limiting liquids allowed in carry-on baggage have been in effect since 2006 when a plot to bring down planes with liquid explosives was discovered.

Dear Jesus..

What do Americans with no health insurance do when they get cancer?
Thank you,
Jenny

Dear Jenny,
The general consensus among Americans is that people shouldn't get diseases they can't afford. Your welcome.

I got this email:

Dear Jesus,

I am an American first and an avid reader second. As your are probably aware, in America nothing we do is our fault, it is someone else’s fault, and my recent relapse into strippers, cocaine, and alcohol can only be the result of one thing: your blog (or whatever the hell its called). Therefore, I am doing the American thing and suing your for something, I haven’t figured out what yet because I am a little high right now, but trust me, I will be looking for compensation.

Dear Person,

Considering you are an American, I was impressed to see that you knew how to write and use email. Someone told me that 40 percent of Americans are illiterate and I thought those were the people coming to the site.

Drugs, alcohol and strippers don’t lead to a productive life to society, Congrats on your new found life, because it sounds fun.

Dr Drew.. help Rachid Taha.

An open letter to Dr. Drew...


For a while now, TSJ has been digging the trance-like Algerian tunes of Rachid Taha.

But lately.. well see for yourself Dr. Drew, Rachid is having problems concentrating at work, and has resorted to passing out on stage.



What can be done to help this otherwise talented Algerian French guy?

"After the three first songs press wasn´t allowed to shoot photos etc. Let´s party, he said. He did, for sure. The concert ended in public booing because of Rachid Taha being so drunk and stoned."

seperation of church and state? methinks not.

Annie Leibovitz and her child porn ways...

I have to say that Jesus was a bit shocked when viewing the photo Annie Leibovitz did of a young Scarlett Johanson earlier this year but now, The Smoking Jesus believes that Ms. Leibovitz has gone too far with the "getting the young girls naked so she can take their picture" concept. Jesus is kinda grossed out Annie. The photo's aren't that great either.

Woman auctions cross shaped fish sticks on eBay

A woman in Elyria, Ohio, is selling fish sticks on eBay, claiming she found crosses in them as a sign from God honoring Holy Week, a report said.

Victoria Landis said she couldn't find it in her heart to cook the store-bought fish sticks after seeing in them what she believes is a Holy sign, WEWS-TV in Cleveland reported.

"I went to cook them one day and I poured them out into the pan and there were three kind of fused together in a way that made three mini crosses, and the way they fell on the pan it looked just like the hill where Jesus was crucified," Landis said.

Landis decided to auction them off in an effort to raise money for a family van.

EBay has a policy against selling food items, however.

What an Elyria woman billed as "Good Friday Miracle Fish Sticks" have sold for about $79 on eBay.

Victoria Landis said in one box of frozen fish sticks, she found pairs stuck together like three crosses. Landis said they looked just like the familiar image of the crosses on Calvary Hill when Jesus was crucified.

"I went to cook them one day and I poured them out into the pan and there were three kind of fused together in a way that made three mini crosses, and the way they fell on the pan it looked just like the hill where Jesus was crucified," said Landis.

She put the fish sticks back in the freezer and got them out several days ago to post on eBay in hopes of raising money for the new family van she's been praying for.

"As a blended family of nine people, we have a lot of transportation issues because we don't have a car big enough to hold us all, and I had been praying for a long time for God to provide a way for us to get a new van," said Landis. "I kind of want to work with what He gave me here in these fish sticks … and I could turn them into a van for us."

The auction ended Thursday morning. Landis explains that the price includes the expected high cost of next-day shipping in five pounds of dry ice, so the unidentified buyer will have the fish sticks while it's still Holy Week.

Missing NY rev. found at Ohio strip club

RIVERSIDE — A pastor reported missing after he left his Lewiston, N.Y., home on Wednesday to go to Best Buy was found in a Riverside strip club 422 miles away on Friday, March 28.

A Riverside officer patrolling the lot at K.C. Lounge, 4766 Airway Road, at about 12:40 a.m. noticed an out-of-state license plate, according to reports. The officer discovered the owner, Craig S. Rhodenizer, 46, was listed as a missing and possibly endangered, and sought by the Niagara County Sheriff's Department and the FBI.

Lyndonville Pastor Craig Rhodenizer, missing since Wednesday, was found early Friday morning, hundreds of miles away, inside a strip club in Riverside, Ohio which is just outside of Dayton.

Rhodenizer, the pastor of St. John's Lutheran Church in Lyndonville, N.Y., told his wife he was going to get his computer fixed at Best Buy on Wednesday.

Rhodenizer was coherent when police approached him.

"He initially was very easy to talk to," Detective Matt Sturgeon said. "When he started to realize there was a nationwide search and this was serious, there was an instantaneous switch and he became extremely disoriented and confused."

He said he didn't know why he came to Riverside nor did he know anyone here. He then asked about his wife and son and said he didn't know what day it was. When medics asked if he felt any pain, he said he felt "emotionally guilty."

Sturgeon said Rhodenizer was taken to Grandview Hospital for a 48-hour psychiatric evaluation.

The report said Rhodenizer was in the club for two hours and drank three or four beers. One dancer said he paid for three or four private dances. She claimed he became verbally aggressive when he offered to pay her to return to his motel room with him and she refused.

She also said he wouldn't tell her where he was from, but did say he "hadn't been in a strip club for over 20 years and it was about time he was in one again."

Police contacted Rhodenizer's wife, Susan, and the Niagara County Sheriff's Department. The department asked Riverside officers to impound Rhodenizer's Toyota Camry and take possession of a computer, which was found with a bottle of Bacardi and an empty gallon bottle of gin.

Vicar Offers Stress Relief

BERLIN (Reuters) - A vicar in Germany who had the novel idea of helping parishioners escape the stresses and strains of daily life by letting them lie in an open grave was upset when intrusive journalists spoiled the atmosphere.

"I meant it as a meditative exercise," pastor Thorsten Nolting told Reuters. "I wanted people to think about what weighs on them down in the darkness and gather the energy to resist it."

Nolting, from the western German city of Duesseldorf, said his plan went "horribly wrong" when journalists' persistent questioning as parishioners were "laid to rest" earlier this week ruined the serenity of the occasion.

"It wasn't silent, as it should have been. They ruined it. (They) would not go away, even when I asked them," he said.

Extraverts who could cope with the incessant questioning were happy to climb down into the two meter long hole, and then rave about their "resurrection," Nolting said.

But a local newspaper said one man was still shaking, 20 minutes after his seven-minute spell in the dank grave ended.

Pope baptizes famous Muslim convert

One of the seven adults the Pope baptized on Saturday night was Magdi Allam, 55, an Egyptian-born journalist who, as deputy director of the leading newspaper Corriere della Sera, is one of Italy's best-known intellectuals.

Allam, a fierce critic of Islamic extremism and a strong supporter of Israel, is protected by a police escort because of threats he has received.

Poignant that the guy has to have bodyguards during his baptism. It recalls the early days of Rome.

Wife-Beatin' Bishop to Preach on Easter

Georgia Bishop Thomas W. Weeks, who gave his televangelist wife Juanita Bynum an almighty beating in an Atlanta parking lot last August, will perform Easter Sunday services tomorrow.

According to the police report, Bynum said that Weeks "choked her, pushed her down, kicked and stomped her," and "continued stomping" her into the ground. He also threatened to kill his estranged wife.

Since choking, pushing and kicking his soon-to-be ex, Weeks has apologized to Bynum and his congregation for his fist-filled rage. According to the ajc.com, Weeks will be back at the pulpit preaching on Sunday.

It's almost guaranteed no one will be caught talking during Weeks' Easter sermon.

What is Easter?

Easter, unbeknownst to man, is when Christ emerged from his tomb, saw his shadow and declared 6 more weeks of winter.

Shhhhhhhhhhhh

On Good Friday, you must observe silence between the hours of 12:00 - 3:00.

Shhhhhhh, Jesus is dying out there!

Mercy, dude looks like a lady.

God's cure for gays lost in sin

Former residents say separation contracts, a ban on physical contact and teachings by an 'ex-gay' are part of Mercy Ministry's attempts to stamp out homosexuality in its flock.

Sy Rogers … no longer gay.

Thank Good its Friday (yeah)

Dear Smoking Jesus, I was reading in the paper today about a school that had decided to make Good Friday (today) a school day, overturning past tradition. Some Catholic parents objected, saying they had to take the kids to church, but isn't Good Friday the ONE day of the year there is no Mass?


TSJ says, "It's Stations of the Cross on Good Friday, my friend. Be prepared for a 3 hour long service at least."

Challenge: Post the Weirdest Album Cover

I already win!



Rev.Alberta Baker
I originally started posting records like these on my site to try and illustrate the kind of oddities I was running into in thrift stores. Christian records had to be included because here in the U.S., you never spend a day thrifting without running into at least one curious example of them.

The do-it-yourself Christian record was a huge trend in the '60s and '70s and every small town artist with something to say got into the act. Most were pressed in limited quantities specifically for friends and family and many never got further than their own home town borders. The vast majority of these are traditional Gospel LPs and not of interest to me. Others displaying foreign-to-me cultural values, opinions and ideas tend to capture my attention.

The album featured here by organist Alberta Baker is part of a larger trend of disabled artists producing music and releasing albums during this period.

With the Son of God just hanging like a common criminal?

he's been fucked... so what?

A Secret Revealed

The following audio clip is shocking, even to Jesus



*Update: The lawyers who advise Jesus from time to time have suggested that Jesus remove this clip for the time being.

He's got a get well card to deliver

and he is going to do it by hand. Cuz maybe it's YOU in your four post bed sound asleep but still grinding your teeth.

God just left a voicemail for Sally Kern

The truth always comes out!!!!

As it should happen to be…

The homophobic Republican hatemonger from Oklahoma has a gay son!!!!

That's right, Sally Kern's son Jesse is a big ol' homo.

We're sure he's REAL PROUD of mommy!

And, it has also been revealed that Good Ol' Sally has lied about receiving death threats.

Thank you Perez for bringing this to the attention of Jesus.

**UPDATE**
This just in... Ellen DeGeneres

Monsignor John Urell is on the march home.

Thanks Christopher H. for this. It made Jesus cry.

John McCain and the 10,000 year war

Jesus endorses this message...

Although the chorus sounds a bit too much like the one written years ago by the young brothers HANSON (also posted below for your comparing pleasure)





(for chorus purposes only)

Ash Wednesday is tomorrow

It's a wonderful way to walk around town letting everyone know "LOOK! LOOK AT ME! I'M MORE HOLY THAN YOU!" without the inconvenience of holding a poisonous snake.

-- Sister Drama Perpetia

God Pages Nurse Vining to Heaven

Shell Kepler, who played nurse Amy Vining on "General Hospital" for more than 20 years, died yesterday in Portland, Ore. Paging Dr. Quartermaine!

According to the Medical Examiner's office, Kepler died of renal failure.

After her stint on "General Hospital" ended, Kepler moved to Portland and got involved in charity fundraising.

IMDb says she was 46, God says she was 49.

Yes You Can Can

The Pointer Sisters did that song in the 70's Mr. Obama...

Priest removed for child porn

(Jesus loves the part where Caskey states that he hadn't done anything like this in many years)

ST. CLOUD, Minn. (AP) - A Roman Catholic priest in the St. Cloud diocese was barred from all priestly functions Thursday after he was charged with possessing child pornography.

The Rev. John Caskey, 53, of St. Cloud, was charged Wednesday in Stevens County District Court with 20 counts of possessing child pornography. Authorities said numerous images of child pornography were found on his home computer, mostly depicting boys.

Bishop John Kinney said in a news release that he immediately removed Caskey from all priestly duties after he learned of the charges by reading about them on the Morris Sun Tribune's Web site.

"I was taken by surprise by these allegations," Kinney said. "I have not received any complaints in the past about Fr. Caskey from any of the parishes he has served, nor have I had any information that would cause me to be concerned."

Caskey had not worked in active ministry since December. He resigned his posts at churches in Morris, Chokio and Herman after Kinney learned Caskey had sent an inappropriate letter to someone.

Court documents said multiple "obscene and suggestive" letters were sent anonymously to an 18-year-old male. In November, during the investigation into the letters, Caskey allowed police to search his home and office computers.

Caskey admitted that he sent the letter but said that he "hadn't done anything like this in many years," the complaint said.

"Consumers of child pornography ruin kids' lives," Stevens County Attorney Charles Glasrud said.

Caskey appeared in court Thursday and was released. Glasrud said conditions of his release include no unsupervised contact with anyone under 18, no access to a computer and no pornography.

repeat after me..

We don't need no stinkin' healthcare.

medamned = wtf??

Flipflop footprints in the sand...

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonged to him and the other to the LORD, wearing flipflops with a less-than sensible heel.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it. "LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied, "Because those are the times I made you pull my fucking rickshaw, you stupid, whiny mortal. Now, stop asking me so much medamned questions!"

editor's note: this does not apply to the hot sands of Darfur.

Mental Breakdowns and God.. again. This time it's not Monsignor John Urell. Does Southdown take Canadian pilots?

The co-pilot of a Heathrow-bound plane was dragged kicking and screaming from the cockpit after suffering a mental breakdown while in control of the flight.

He began yelling and "invoking God" as the Air Canada 767 flew at 37,000 feet over the Atlantic. He was held down by other crew members and a passenger, a member of the Canadian armed forces.

The co-pilot then had restraints fastened to his wrists and ankles and was handcuffed to a seat. The flight from Toronto made an emergency landing in Shannon and the co-pilot, who had been crying and screaming according to witnesses, was taken off the plane.

He was taken by ambulance to a psychiatric ward where he is being treated for a suspected nervous breakdown.

The 146 passengers on the overnight flight continued their journey and got to Heathrow eight hours behind schedule after the drama on Monday. Passenger Sean Finucane told of his shock as he witnessed the co-pilot being carried out of the cockpit in restraints.

He said today: "He was very, very distraught. He was yelling loudly at times. When they tried to put his shoes on later he swore and he threatened people. His voice was clear so he didn't sound drunk or anything. He was swearing and was very distressed."

Mr Finucane, from Lancashire, told how the pilot kept shouting:

"I need to talk to you God."

He described how passengers watched a crew member and the soldier carry the co-pilot out of the cockpit, through first class and into economy. The co-pilot then intermittently yelled obscenities and sobbed.

Emergency landing: Shannon Airport, Ireland (File picture)

Another passenger, writing on the flyertalk website, wrote: "It was quite an experience! He [the co-pilot] was being restrained in 12A, but that entire minicabin could hear the whole thing. Not for delicate ears. The soldier and the doctors [who were passengers] were great."

Irish newspapers reported today that the co-pilot was "acting in a peculiar manner and talking loudly to himself".

Fifteen minutes after the first officer was removed from the controls, Flight AC 848 made an unscheduled landing at Shannon airport. The plane had been due to arrive at Heathrow at 8.25am on Monday.

Air Canada today insisted passengers' lives were never at risk.

Peter Fitzpatrick, an Air Canada spokesman, said today: "The co-pilot fell ill during the flight and the captain elected to divert. The aircraft landed without incident. At no time were the safety of the passengers or crew in question." He refused to be drawn on whether the pilot had suffered a breakdown.

A spokeswoman for Transport Canada, the body in charge of national aviation, said commercial pilots must have medical check-ups every six months.

In thoughtful memory of a sweet kid...

NOT HEATH LEDGER.

Jesus, the politics

The Origins of Christianity

This is it folks.. read it and weep.

part one:



part two:


part three:

The Sorrowful Life of William Lobdell

I am crying as I type this...

Mr. Lobdell , a LA Times journalist, lost his faith a while back and he wants you all to know. (beware the creepy graphics) In an effort to cash in upon his sorrow, he is in the process of penning a book, because sometimes 5 years of articles just aint enough. Oh, and there is a testimonial page also, so leave your seemingly worthless prayers there for him.

WILLIAMLOBDELL.COM

God is not happy with the constitution.

Republican presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee wants to change the constitution.

Why?

Because "God" is not happy with it.

"I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution," Huckabee told a Michigan audience on Monday. "But I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living god. And that's what we need to do — to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view."

Huckabee also wants to amend the Constitution to prevent children born in the U.S. to illegal aliens from automatically becoming American citizens - a radical step no other major presidential candidate has embraced.

Please pardon my vacation. I will return.